Sometimes I suffer from a kind of 'other-headedness' which can throw my work routine and put pay to creativity quicker than a boot up the self-esteem:
'Other-headedness' to me, is the onset of a cloud of 'should'; a feeling that, whatever task I'm performing that I should be doing something else.
When the kids were younger, it was fairly simple; I was with the kids, so felt the urgency of work pressing me, taking away my concentration and, more importantly, my appreciation. When I was painting I would suffer guilt at leaving my chicks too long, or pay the price for leaning on friends and family.
Now I deal with a three-way split- guess I'm so damn good now, I get a promotion? The writing I do, or don't do, bubbles away till I get ill and have to deal with it. Great dollops of prose then need clarified, made palatable for human consumption. Teaching dance needs a regular feed, and that could be as little as a spin or two round the front room, or a session picking apart a flavour combination to see what its component parts are.
The painting is the biggest deal; I suppose I identify with it most closely. It's something I've done for a long, long time and illustrates most vividly my life experience. I serve this craft most, for, when I'm not up to scratch, it just ain't there. I can put on some music and move my muscles, stretch out and feel a little taller; I can spill a ream of angst in ballpoint pen and empty my plate, but the painting? Still a mistress, for the most part, apart from the odd apology, oil-incident, frivilous sketch. It is the least playful area of my life, even though I have come to realise how important playing is. If I hear a voice dismissing 'play' as a child's indulgence, or someone's 'too busy' I know, for a fact, dagnabbit, they need it more than I do.
Don't get me wrong, I am a fortunate, appreciative person and I really don't have a concept of what I would be doing if I wasn't doing this, right now; I just look for what works better and see that if I have been dealt good cards I want to make the most of them, not throw them away simply because I feel someone else isn't getting as a good a deal, or because I feel unworthy.
I posted this because I know this feeling can strike other folk, too and I wanted to communicate my empathy.

It might look like there's alot of white space left on this canvas, but I feel I'm making good progress. The 1m sq takes up a wall of the studio and I have to step outside to get a good look at the work, but it is great to be able to work to a large scale.

I'm about to go back into the studio, to continue with the second of 2 metre square paintings; commissions long overdue.
The sun shines, birds sing.
Keeping it simple, today, folks.
Photos later.
x

Back from Edinburgh exhibtion. I have deemed it a success, and thank everyone who came along to support us.

Back to commissioned work, a list of paintings I hope to finish before Christmas, and now have nothing, bar a little light dancing, to distract me till then. There is the village play, mind you; but the performance is a mere 3 days away, and I will be able stop fretting about knowing the words to 'Throw out the lifeline...'

Please come along, if you are able; performance begins 6pm at Belford Middle School and will keep you an hour, plus raffle time. There are songs, puns and dance, all for a minimal fee, besides, I have spent a week on my 'mad professor's laboratory', and I'd hate it if it went unappreciated.

...anyone notice the difference?